Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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