This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
