her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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