Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
