I accidentally had phone sex last night
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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