my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
