Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
