I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Randomize
