they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
my liver is dry heaving
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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