I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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