I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
