Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
