he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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