I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
