I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
