Don't make out with my wife yet
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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