$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
