There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
