That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
