I think my vagina is haunted
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
