remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
