He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
