so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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