Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
