this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
