Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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