it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
my poor anus
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
