I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
