Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
