should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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