but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
