Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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