I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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