i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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