your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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