hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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