Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
