i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
