he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
