why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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