I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
