I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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