One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
