yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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