it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
