On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
