Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
