How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
