I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
