New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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