I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
