i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
two words: eviction party
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
