genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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